The year 2010 sets the stage for failure.


Some Hollywood dumbass decided it would be a good idea to make a Three Stooges movie nearly 80 years after the greatest trio known to man set a standard in comedy that stood the test of time.

Unfortunately for all of mankind, there are too many reasons why this will be a travesty to the Stooges' names, and I wouldn't be surprised if a zombie Moe rose from his grave to smack every asshole involved in this project across the head with a mallet.

So, what are the signs of the impending owl's anus of a film?

You'd think with a classic like The Three Stooges, to re-cast it would be easy: Just find three guys who looks similar to the original Stooges -- BAMMO! New Stooges movie gold, right? ...right?

No.

Look, I like Sean Penn and Benicio Del Toro in their own rite, and I would've hoped that they had realized that this was a bad idea. Del Toro at least looks a little like Moe, I'll give him that, and Larry wasn't exactly one of the most important characters, nor was he the funniest, so you could probably cast just about any Jew in that role...

The biggest offense is Jim Carrey as Curly; it's just not going to work. Curly, as a person and character, is simply irreplaceable. They tried to replace him back in the 1930's...twice, and failed.


Plain and simple.

Every man who loves the Stooges would likely agree that Curly is the cornerstone of the hilarity of The Three Stooges. Jim Carrey will most likely try to mimic Curly, but I guarantee it won't work right, and to be honest, Jim Carrey hasn't been funny since the days of Ace Ventura anyways. His brand of comedy has worn off, and Curly is not some cheap birthday party clown. Carrey's routine will surely reek of effort.

The second sign of eminent suck is that the movie will be written and directed by The Farrelly brothers. These two are only really known for Dumb & Dumber (which came out in 1994), but they're also the catalyst of a bunch of bland-ass comedies over the past 14 years that no one cared about.

So, what other wonderful blockbuster projects are the Farrelly brothers working on right now? Well, only the blockbustiest of them all: Walter the Farting Dog!

Yeah...and this is the direction these fuckers want to take the Stooges movie, too. They want to do toilet humor and shit like they did in There's Something About Mary. Right, that's a great idea, Jackasses; Like I really want to see Moe zipping his balls in half, and Larry spooging all over his own face.



They've also confirmed that there will not be a single pie-in-the-face or anything similar to that in the entire film.
What the fuck?!

And even worse, there's talk that they want to add a woman as a lead role. LAME!! This is going to be the worst thing to happen to a team since they added Venus, the chick turtle, to the fourth Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie, The Next Mutation.

Sadly, that's not even the absolute worst thing of all...they're talking about how they want to make this shitpile into a "prequel" of sorts, showing how the stooges grew up as orphans and shit, except the whole thing will be in present day.

What a crock of shit!

I used to think that Curly Joe was the worst thing that ever happened to the Three Stooges, but 75 years later, it looks like he'll finally lose that crown to the Ferrellys.

The Farrelly brothers should just shoot themselves in the face right now and save men everywhere the heartache of watching the legacy of the Three Stooges being pissed on, burned, eaten, shit out, blended, eaten again, shit out again...shit on top of that shit then swallowed, vomited out, eaten one last time, and finally shat out onto celluloid.

At the end of the day, this is just going to be another one of those piss poor movies based off of a TV show that was awesome as hell like 20 to 80 years ago. Hollywood already fucked up Starsky & Hutch, they fucked up The Honeymooners, they fucked up Bewitched, they fucked up The Mod Squad, and they'll fuck up this one too.
What's next?

I'll wager The A-Team, Magnum P.I., and the Marx Brothers are on some dipshit executive's list as next on the chopping block.

I can see it now:

MAGNUM P.I.: The Movie
starring Matthew McConaughey as Magnum.

Fuck me in the ass, and stab my eyes out if that day ever comes.

What these assholes need to do is stop trying to re-make shit that was ALREADY GOOD, and start bringing back shit that NEEDS to be brought back. Where the fuck is RoboCop 4? You know technology these days could make a fucking wicked RoboCop.

Hell, with cross-over fever going on lately, somebody should produce RoboCop vs Terminator...that would be epic. Or maybe someone could make Heavy Weapon happen. How about a new Predator movie? That shit is way overdue, too.

But no, Hollywood dickshitters are too busy cramming tofu up their asses to come to their senses. They'd rather pump out 10 more movies starring 50 Cent, will.i.am, or Soulja Boy as opposed to making something people have been begging to see for years.

I'm pretty fucking sure I don't recall there being any petition for anyone to make a shit-sack "prequel / remake" of The Three Stooges, but I do recall seeing a ton of feedback to NOT make this bullshit.

I predict that this movie will be a colossal failure.

Yeah, I know it will probably make a quick buck, because I never underestimate the stupidity of the subaverage cognitive functioning of the public hive mind (reference every movie made by Uwe Boll), but it will fail on a whole new level with every REAL man in the universe.

And if that just means me, well, then so be it...