For those of you who don't know (and actually care), I spent the past 6 years in Japan with travel to other parts of Asia before and after that, so before any fucking anime nerds want to correct me on my knowledge of the "orient", don't even try...I will fucking murder you with all of my oriental knowledge.

Just because you watch Naruto like it's Jesus himself on the mount doesn't make you an expert on anything (well, except on Naruto -- and being a fucking douchebag).

So anyway, much like most white dudes, I have a total hard-on for asian chicks. It's a known fact that they're fucking hot as shit:

PROOF

Asian Girls: Fickle & Undecided

Sadly, when it comes to everything that isn't fashion, I wish you good luck in convincing them to shop anywhere other than the Dollar Store. If you ever end up in a house where an asian lady lives, I dare you to wipe your ass with their toilet paper. It's so thin, that you'd be better off just wiping your shit off your ass with your palm and washing it off with their cheap Dollar Store brand soaps.

I'll give you a second to wrap your head around this: Asian girls are both high-class fashionistas and complete, utter cheap asses.


...had enough time to mill that over?

Right, let's continue...

Karaoke: Satan's iTunes

You will know a pain not known to any man on this side of Dante's Inferno... As much as it sounds like a good idea to put yourself alone in a room full of hot asian babes, with you being the only man among them (I know this temptation all too well), it is not worth suffering through the screeching howls that you will deal with for a minimum of four hours. Four hours of torture...four hours of bad English.

Trust me; I want it to be worth it...

Imagine this if you will: A once proud man, who now sits as an empty shell, dead to the world. A man who just wanted to see some naked asian girls who has now lost his soul; drained slowly from him after four hours of Whitney Houston, Celine Dion, Anita Baker, and Mariah Carey sung in broken English simultaneously by 6 women who are becoming less and less attractive with each passing sour note. Imagine it...

I want you to know my pain.

There is not a single asian country on the planet that's female population doesn't go absolutely nutto over the idea of doing karaoke all fucking night. It's insane. Remember this, and save yourself from the same fate.

Two words: Octopus Helmet

It's a glorious (aka. freaky) place where hot asian chicks put fish, bugs, frogs and sea cucumbers in their vaginas. They cram eels up their asses, and wear (you guess it) Octopus Helmets.

 



Now, if this doesn't scream "weird!" directly at your face, then you're far more depraved than I am. And the women in these videos aren't ugly as fuck either. They're hot. They don't NEED to do this kind of shit...but they go along with it.

These are the kinds of things you can come to expect from asian chicks. They'll do just about any sick ass thing you can think of. You won't find any other kind of woman who'd be willing to wear an octopus helmet -- not in America (where ugly bitches fuck horses and dogs), not in Germany or Brazil (where shitting and vomiting on each other is a turn-on), and not anywhere else on the planet either. Only asians.

By the way, asian women do the whole dogs, shit, and vomit thing too...

...oh, and I'm sure there are folks out there who will find this attractive and will pop like 9 boners over the idea of octopus helmets on asian chicks, so in closing...I'll just leave this here.