Q: What do Iron Chef, Bizarre Foods, No Reservations, and Man vs Food all have in common?


A: The same thing as every fucking food show on TV where the host eats exotic foods...they always love EVERY goddamn dish of food they're served!

How the fuck can food "critics" like EVERYTHING?

Real people don't like a lot of foods...that's just a simple fact. I sure as shit hate a lot of foods, but none more than cucumbers:

I honestly don't see how these fuckers can go from place to place and try everything they're handed and not hate at least one dish.

Obviously they're not very good critics if there's absolutely no basis of what they DON'T like. You can't very well call yourself a critic if you're not at least critical of something...

...if you like everything you eat, then you're just a dumbass.

Could you imagine how fucking boring Siskel & Ebert would have been if they loved every movie they saw? I mean, how helpful and pointless would that be??

What I'd really like to see is a TV show with a food critic who goes out to eat at some fancy foreign places, eats some shit that he just flat-out doesn't like and just tears right into that shit. I mean, I want that dude to really rip the asshole out of the cook, and I want him to spit it out on the plate then say:

"I can't eat this shit! This is probably the worst thing I've ever put in my mouth!!! Who the fuck is the twat who made this mule's anus of a dish?! This isn't food...this is SHIT!!"

I tell you, THAT would make my day.

...but apparently, it's super easy to please food judges and food critics since they don't hate anything. I guess that means that I should just quit bitching and become a judge for Iron Chef so I can like everything I put in my mouth and finally enjoy something for once in my life...

...or, fuck it -- even better, I'll be an Iron Chef and cook wonderful meals for all to enjoy. It'll be a HUGE SUCCESS, I'm sure.