Nature can eat a dick.

Wildlife is now on my list of shit that I fucking wish would just go away...forever. Why? Because nature doesn't give a fuck about you, even though we put all this effort into making sure nature has its own little safe, preserved place on Earth.

What sparked this? Well, it's more than just one event, but today I had the last nail put in the coffin when I was sitting on a bench minding my own goddamn business when I noticed that some bumblebees were buzzing around and slamming into each other, having some kind of bumblebee sumo tournament.

So, my first thought was: "I'm gonna swat these pudgy, bee kingdom outcasts out of my way so I can sit on this bench peacefully"...but being the wonderful thespian that I am, I stopped and re-thought the situation: Bumblebees don't fucking sting people.

This made me second guess myself (which rarely happens)...

and the rare thought of kindness actually passed between the pulses of hate in my brain which made me think "Hmmm, well, bumblebees don't fuck with me, so I won't fuck with them. I'm such a good person. Someone should give me an award of some kind."
Yeah, I'm awesome like that.

At this point, I'm just chilling, getting some rays from the sun and just watching the bumblefucks do their thing. Eventually, they disperse and only one is left behind while the others go across the way and keep bumping into each other like Down's Syndrome kids in a standing contest.

Anyway, here I am, thinking to myself that maybe this lone bumblebee decided that since I didn't crush him into oblivion, he'd just chill next to me and do whatever the fuck bumblebees do...

WRONG!!

So, I'm looking at this fucking bee, ya know, just hovering in front of me and whatnot while I study him like I'm some kind of National Geographic faggot, then this fucking bee hovers over my lap, looks me dead in the fucking eye and squeezes off a giant plop of bumblebee shit RIGHT INTO MY FUCKING LAP!!

I look down and see this neon yellow bumblebee shit stain streamed across and embedded into my pants and for a second, I'm not sure that it really happened...sheer disbelief.
I mean, dead center onto my good Walmart khakis!

Within 3 seconds, I come to the realization of what just happened, and I look back up at this fucking bee who is now just hovering in circles like he doesn't even care what he did. Almost like he's celebrating his well-placed bowel movement.

HE SHIT ON ME!

HE FUCKING SHIT ON ME!

What kind of fucking creature thinks that it's okay to just let their diarrhea loose onto another living being??
THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT!

Nature does not give a shit about you - it's only concerned with itself. Why should I care about saving the Dodo and the Bald Eagle if they don't even have the consideration to NOT shit on other beings??

I swear, if I'm sitting in a nature reserve and a Bald Eagle shits on my head, it's go time. I will hunt it down, break its wings off and shove them up its ass, then shit on IT'S fucking head.

What benefit do we gain from saving these inconsiderate fucking beasts? Peace of mind? Where's MY piece of mind to know that I'm not going to get randomly shat on?

I sure as hell don't go around making it a point to just walk around and take a shit on other creatures... I know that if a turtle happened to cross my shit's path while I was squeezing away, I would make it a point to shoo him away or find another place to shit. I wouldn't just keep dropping my deuce on his back; That'd be fucked up. Why? Because I have the consideration to know that I wouldn't want a turtle dropping a turtle on MY fucking back. THAT'S WHY!

And this is how nature operates: it's in its own little bubble... living without any care for any other inhabitants of the planet. This is why I raise a giant middle finger covered in excrement to nature.

Fuck you, nature...SUCK IT!