The way I see it, Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull didn't have to suck ass...but it did.
If you've seen the movie, you know there are almost enough parts scattered throughout the film to make a full Indy movie without it blowing chunks of dogshit out of its ass. There really was a decent Indiana Jones film under all the retarded parts ruthlessly piled on top of it.
I've watched this movie 3 times now: The first time I went in virgin like everyone else, the second time just out of sheer disbelief hoping that maybe it wasn't as bad as I remembered, and the third time to write this "review". Every single time felt just as awful as the previous did...So, in a way, I'm like Jesus; I'm sacrificing my own good for your benefit.
I don't plan on going over the good/tolerable parts of the movie. I'm just sticking to the garbage so that anyone who hasn't seen the movie yet can at least get some kind of enjoyment out of it, but are at least being fore-warned of the ridiculousness that will soon drill through their eyes. So, without further delay, let's get down to the shit...
Exhibit A: The Gophers
Seriously? I mean...come on...seriously.
Who really thought this would be a cool idea? It's not funny, that's for fucking sure. It's like a fucking 5 year old wrote the script.
Exhibit B: Excessive Soft-light
Am I the only one who noticed this blurry bullshit?
I swear, I haven't even seen this much intensive soft-light in a soap opera. The last time I saw this amount of soft-light used was in a Barbara Walters interview when she was like 80 years old. Harrison Ford is old and all, but even in the very few scenes where they don't use soft-light in this movie, he doesn't look bad for being like 70 years old.
This soft-light shit is like slapping Harrison in the face with your dick. Indiana Jones is supposed to be rugged, motherfucker. He's not a frail little bitch. He's a hardened old grizzled bastard. Fuck.
Exhibit C: Unnecessary & Bad CG
I've seen better green-screen graphics in movies made 30 years ago. You can actually see the black outline on everything in front of that poorly done sundown backdrop. Why didn't they just film this fucking scene at sundown? This is really pointless use of CGI.
It doesn't stop with bad backdrops either. The CG is used throughout the film, and most of it ranges from heinous to unforgivably bad:
Trust me, when you see these scenes in motion, you'll know exactly what I mean. I'm not exaggerating...
This is the kind of shitty CG that showed its ugly face in the Star Wars original series "Special" Editions. It ruined those movies just like it helps ruin this one (it's not just bad CG that makes this movie go to the shitter...you'll see).
Exhibit D: "Three Times It Drops"
If you are anything like me in regard to this movie, you probably really wanted to give it a chance to be good, or at least to redeem itself. To an extent, I honestly tried to like Indy 4...seriously, I did. However, there was a severe turning point that the film took that drove it down the road of no return. I've narrowed that moment down to the second; the exact time that I literally did a facepalm and gave up all hope.
Everything that happens after this point is film-making at it's worst:
YOU'VE BEEN WARNED!
This is the point of no return.
#1 The Swordfight of Doom
Signs of this atrocity were apparent before it even took place:
I have no idea why the Russians are so fucking obsessed with having a case of swords with them at all times.
And what's really sad is that if Mutt had just grabbed the gun in the first place, we could have avoided all of this shit.
But no...instead we're treated to this dogshit:
I've seen better overlay rendering and special effects in old Atari Jaguar games and Sega CD games that were made back in 1993, but more recently in that shitty Wii game Target:Terror. And what's more sad is that right now, I'd rather be playing Target:Terror.
So, at this point, my mind is so abused and beaten that it can only comprehend that the swordfight was the worst of it all, but I was so, so wrong.
FOR CHRIST'S SAKE YOUR HAND IS ALREADY ON THE GUN!! DO IT!!
#2 The Swing of Doom
Sigh... if only that motherfucker had just pointed that gun and blasted away at the Russians, we could have avoided the following atrocity:
Oh yes, this shit is happening:
. . .
. . . ?
. . .
FUCK YOU, GEORGE LUCAS!
What the fuck have you done to my Indiana Jones?!?!
And as if that wasn't bad enough there's this shit too:
...if you thought this was the end of it, then you are wrong. Stop slicing your dick off and put your pants back on, because now that the retarded sword fight is over, and you've made it past the gay vine swinging, there's just one more sequence of gayness before we head into the climax of a whole new era of cinematic diarrhea.
#3 The Tree of Doom
Yes, I'm sure that those of you who have seen the movie probably expect the giant ants sequence to be next on the chopping block, but as bad as it was, it wasn't completely unsalvageable.
I mean, we got to see a couple dudes get mutilated by ants, and there was a pretty good fist fight between Indy and the guy above (I do enjoy a good fist fight). But before you go emailing me about how this scene needed to be smothered with a pillow, I do acknowledge the most retarded part of the giant ant scene.
What I'm more concerned about is this bullshit:
Yeah. You saw that right. They drove off a cliff and landed on a tree that safely bent down and gently dropped them off into the river below. They---RRRRGGGGAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!
Exhibit E: You Got Sci-Fi in My Jones
So, after a series of retarded scenes, you start to get the feel of a REAL Indiana Jones movie for about 5 minutes or so, where he's actually in a cave, then is confronted by natives, solves some tomb puzzles, and makes his way through a cavern. But all of that is once again put aside for more retardation:
Uh huh. That, friends, is an alien skeleton...or should I say THOSE are alien skeletons--made of crystal none-the-less. Brilliant choice.
And if you couldn't tell that my last comment was sarcasm, then maybe this will jot some sense into you and make you realize this movie has slipped away from Indiana Jones and into the X-Files:
I shit you not. This is an ALIEN in an Indiana Jones movie. Not just a hint at the possibility of aliens, no, they actually show the fucking aliens in this shit. Apparently, the skulls were just part of a bigger alien plot to lure humans into putting them onto the [crystal] remains of the alien elders who, in turn, get super pissed and open up a dimensional warp to kill your ass for bringing the skulls back to their bodies:
Why do I get the distinct feeling this was trying to emulate the final scene in Raiders of the Lost Ark?
Exhibit F: "Through Eyes That Last, I Saw in Tears"
Alright then, let's review:
Insane amount of soft-light?
Crappy, overused CGI?
Wheelie off a cliff onto a tree?
Worst use of a UFO ever? hmmm....
Oh wait, that's right: