I want to be Andy Rooney when I'm old as dirt. That dude is a pimp. He complains about everything, like me, but he's old as shit and doesn't give a fuck what anyone thinks about him...even the company who's employed him for the past 90 years.

I was watching 60 Minutes one night, and Andy (referred to as the "King of Pimps" by his fans [me]) was complaining about watches. For absolutely no reason, he was just bitching about watches and that he hates them because they exist and shit. Then he starts going on about how 60 Minutes bought him a watch covered in platinum and diamonds, but without numbers.

He basically called the CBS execs shitheads, and asked why the fuck CBS couldn't fork out $5 more for a watch with some numbers on the damn face so he didn't have to guess the time.

I'm no connoisseur of watches, but I have to agree with Mr. Rooney on this one. Why the fuck would you want a watch with no numbers? The entire point of a watch is the convenience of being able to tell time quickly, without having to use a modern day sundial to calculate the general time estimate.

Give me numbers and an exact time!!

Speaking of time; Surely, nobody watches 60 Minutes for it's compelling stories. No. Anyone with a brain watches that show just so they don't miss the last 3 minutes of Rooney telling it how it is. Can you name any of the other fuckwads on that show? Do you know any friends who can name anyone else on the show??

No. Because nobody cares!

I remember another episode when he spent his entire allotted rant time talking shit about how bad the coffee was in the CBS studio. He didn't bother just talking to the dipshit who made the coffee first -- that would be a bitch move -- he waited until he was on the air and proceeded to tell everyone in the world that the dude's coffee was shit. Now, that's awesome... I salute you!

It doesn't matter what you put in front of Rooney, he'll tell you how shitty it is, and I like to imagine that he either slaps the items out of your hand and punches you in the face, or rapes you to death afterwards. You don't fuck with Andy Rooney!!