Coming hot off the trail of a more recent shit movie, Indiana Jones 4 (a shitty movie you DON'T need to see), I figured I would be kind to my readers and offer up some useful advice on what shitty movies you SHOULD see and, of course, why you need to see them.

Although some of these movies suck enough shit to make them entertaining on their own, I highly suggest you watch these piles of crap with friends. Trust me; the sideline commentary makes the shitsperience much more tolerable, if not actually enjoyable. I also suggest you have your remote handy to hit Fast-Forward often.
You'll thank me.

Keep in mind that this isn't some kind of "Top 10" list, and they're not listed in any particular order either. These are just 10 completely shitty movies that will better your life in some...who the fuck am I kidding, they're just shit...ENJOY!!

1. Strike Commando
	"JAKOTAAAAAAAAAA!!!!"
	A One Man War Machine! More like a one-man whiny piece of shit. I know that cover looks wicked appealing, with the guy has that a sick-ass gun, all sorts of shit going on in the background, and the sweet bullet "i", but this movie never rises above a level of suck that equals no less than pure hilarity. It's got a terrible plot like most shit movies, and to top it all off, they blatantly rip off other movies including a scene jacked straight from the middle of Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome. I shit you not.
Why you need to watch it: Reb Brown (as the hero, Mike Ransom) is the LEAST fucking battle-hardened mortherfucker on Earth, and it's extremely awesome watching this tool waltz aimlessly around the battlefield with his pretty boy face, but more importantly we're given the opportunity to learn the lesson that Disneyland has tons of popcorn growing on trees, mountains of cotton candy, chocolate milk, and malts. And there's a genie. A magic genie. And he can't wait to grant your wishes.

2. Robowar
	Life lesson: Acid stops unstoppable robots.
	Robowar is another rip-off film starring Reb Brown, this time jacking the plot from Predator except replacing the awesome human-hunting alien with a lame Robocop guy. There's plenty of traveling though exotic locations in the movie, so if you like to see guys wandering around the woods just off the side of the interstate, then this should be a treat for you. And if you don't, well, watch it anyways.
Why you need to watch it: Once again, Reb Brown looks totally out-of-place in the film which makes for some laughs, and there's one scene where they're raiding a village (just like in Predator) and the black dude--well, I don't want to spoil it. There are a few other scenes that are funny as shit, among other lameness, but above all things, it's great watching this group of assholes try to look like badasses for the camera while wandering around the woods near the director's backyard for 90 minutes.

3. Boss Nigger
	White Man's Town...Black Man's Law.
	If you like westerns and hate whitey, see this! The movie probably hold the record for the most & best usage of the word "nigger". For example: Boss: *Sigh* Look, he knows he's a nigger. I knows I's a nigger, so you don't have to tell us we is. But now, even niggers got to eat, so go get me some food before I blow your damn head off. Waiter: Y-Yes sir, mister nigger!
Why you need to watch it: No one should miss out on the awesome spectacle of racial slurs being thrown around this movie like confetti. It's also great to watch Boss kick whitey's ass around for a full hour, and hell, I'm white. I guess it's not really fair to call this movie shitty so much as maybe it's just not well known, and that's probably due to the original title. On a related note, this year (2008) it actually got a relatively proper release on DVD under the title "Boss" rather than Boss Nigger. It's a small trade-off to lose the word Nigger from the title on the front of the box, but it includes the 100% full uncensored movie so go buy, rent, download, or steal this DVD from someone. It's worth it.

4. Shark Attack 3: Megalodon
	Suck my diiiick!! I'm a Shaaaaaark!!
	First of all, the "hot chick" of the movie has got to be a tranny. If she isn't, I'll be damned. Aside from that, this movie is a Jaws knock-off all the way down to the shark ramming into the boat. Also featured in this film is superb technology such as a web cam that only takes pictures of the item you're holding (not including your hand or anything else) and a computer than can hack into government files
by simply typing "MANAGEMENT FILES" then hitting Enter. You really do have to see the movie to believe it.
Why you need to watch it: Most people will tell you that THE reason to see this movie is for the famous "I'm really wired..." line, but for me, it has to be the terrific usage of stock shark footage (probably stolen from National Geographic) being used with amateur green-screen editing and CG effects to make it look like the shark is swallowing people, or an entire boat. And the final line from the script is superb. The movie really couldn't have ended any other way. Megalo-who?

5. Chopping Mall
	Robots + Mall = Chopping Mall!
	Despite the title, there is no actual chopping in Chopping Mall. Also, the cover is deceptive because the robots don't have awesome robot arms like on the cover. Basically, the robots look like a gay, blocky cross between Johnny 5 and ED-209 who are supposed to defend the mall from intruders after-hours. So, some teens decide to sneak into the mall during the night to have sex, something goes haywire, and the 'bots go on a CHOPPING SPREE!!
Why you need to watch it: Floppy 90's titties, a man cameltoe, and one lady even gets her head exploded by robot eye-lasers. Greatness! Plus, the lady whose head got asploded, Suzee Slater, even got a sweet re-asplode during the credits sequence. All this, and a cameo by the old dude from Gremlins...you can't lose!

6. Cyborg
	aka Masters of the Universe 2
	Oh yes, it's true. This was apparently supposed to be the sequel to the first live-action He-Man movie, and if you've seen it you know exactly why someone made the command decision to NOT make this a He-Man movie. I'm going to guess mostly because it's crap, but MOSTLY because it has nothing to do with He-Man in any way. The plot is about a cyborg chick who holds the cure to "the plague" but the bad guy's like the plague. Epic.
Why you need to watch it: Well, Van Damme does the splits like every movie he's in, and he even survives being crucified then makes a full recovery. Plus, the main bad guy has an epic chainmail vest much like Bennett from Commando! Fucking sweet! Top it all off with the the classic one-on-one fight to the death in the pouring rain finale, as well as having to kill the bad guy twice at the end, and you've got shitty movie magic!

7. Riki-Oh: The Story of Ricky
	Based on actual events...in my mind.
	When mild-mannered Ricky takes revenge on drug-pushing thugs who killed his girlfriend, he's sentenced to an ULTRA MAXIMUM-security prison. Ok, so maybe the pushers didn't kill his sister so much as she went crazy and ran off the top of a building...for no reason, but dammit Ricky needs revenge!! And revenge he will get, and he annihilates everything in sight while in prison too. Revengetastic!
Why you need to watch it: Is there a reason to NOT watch this movie? There's crappy special effects, ultra violence around every corner, a dude choking another dude with his own intestines, and a ladyboy jump-kicks a rottweiler in half...FOR NO REASON! Need I say more?

8. Night of the Demon
	It smells like Bigfoot's dick.
	If anything, I guess I can say that this movie has an original story. A professor and his class of students go out on a hiking/camping expedition to do research on Bigfoot sightings or some shit like that, and Bigfoot is a cranky motherfucker so he kills people. I'll be honest, I don't know much of the story because I did alot of fast-forwarding through this tape, but when Bigfoot was...afoot, great things happened.
Why you need to watch it: This movie features the longest death scene ever without the victim being actually killed by anyone. This lady basically screams and pants for like 3 minutes straight then just dies. I know the budget for this movie was like $12 and a box of doughnuts, but it's still pretty bad. Some other memorable sequences include: Bigfoot raping a hillbilly while her dad watches...in terror, Bigfoot tearing off some biker's penis for no reason, and Bigfoot ripping out a dudes intestines and swinging them around the room. Great stuff.

9. The Intruder
	Starring as Rambo--err, Rambu.
	Have you ever said to yourself "Man, I really loved those Rambo movies, but what I would REALLY want to see is something similar, but really lame"? Yes? Well, then have I got the movie for you! "The Intruder" was obviously renamed from "Rambu" when sold outside of Indonesia for blatant copyright reasons, but the dude's name is still Rambu and he still janks just about everything from Rambo's arsenal, right down to the red bandana.
Why you need to watch it: Rambu really doesn't have any redeeming qualities, but it's one of those films that's such an obvious rip-off that it's worth a shot at least once. One of the shining moments of the film is an insanely pathetic car chase/battle scene involving a bunch of 3-wheeled golf cart-looking cars smashing into each other and shit at like 5 mph. It's so awful, but somehow, it's still badass... Ok, maybe not badass, more like fucking weak, but you still gotta see this shit.

10. The New Barbarians
	It's time for your initiation...
	Once again, much like most shit movies, you can't let the title fool you into thinking it has anything to do with what the title says (see Troll 2). The New Barbarians really doesn't have any real barbarians in it. It's basically Mad Max: The Road Warrior, but crap, and with 100% more man rape. Featuring Fred "The Hammer" Williamson of Boss Nigger fame, it's a post-apocalyptic, no-faster-than-20-mph, queer, gang raping THRILL RIDE!!!
Why you need to watch it: Like so many rip-offs before it, The New Barbarians is not only a must see for fans of lame rip-offs of really great movies, but it also features one scene where they make you think the bad guys are gonna torture the shit out of the main character, and they bring out the badass, clear-bladed ritual knife and just as you think the lead bad guy is going to cut the shit out of the good guy, he cuts the ass of his pants off and starts raping the shit out of him...LOL! But with all the man rape aside, there are actually some pretty wicked scenes where dudes get their chests blown open by lasers, head severed by car blades, and Williamson has exploding arrowheads and shit. BONUS!