Yeah ...Well, I DON'T!

If you ask me, Top 10 lists (or Top ANYTHING lists) are a total fucking cop-out for dipshits who need someone to agree with them.

I know exactly what these assholes are thinking while writing the lists: "Oh man, I hope the people reading my list aren't offended by anything I put on there." and that's because these bullshit lists are targeted towards specific audiences that the author is either trying to have agree with him, or to cause controversy, so they'll tell all their friends and become repeat visitors to his/her show, website, or whatever.

Bottom line: It's fucking bullshit!!

So, what am I going to do? Make a nice pretty Top 10 list for you so that you can tell me that I'm a contradicting dipshit and walk away satisfied? For a minute there, I almost did...

Before I updated this page, I let myself fall into that Top 10 trap and this page was originally just a Top 10 list of "Top" lists...soon after I uploaded it, read it again and realized what a fuckhead I was being. Then I proceeded to pull down my pants and yell at my balls for over 3 hours for failing to provide me with the manhood and sensibility to NOT make a fucking Top 10 list.

I don't do "Top" lists; the only list you'll catch me making is one that has things on it that just happen to be fucking cool (and for all I know, there may be something cooler out there).

So, unlike other lists you see on other sites that change every year, mine will never change. MY lists are timeless because I don't claim to list the "BEST EVER" or "TOP 10" stuff. Nothing that is on these lists will ever change regardless of what the future brings...

The future sucks anyways.

Basically, if I put a "chainsaw" on my list, which is indeed awesome, and then 3 years down the road someone invents a laser chainsaw, it won't negate the fact that a chainsaw is still pretty fucking awesome...and since I didn't say that a chainsaw was "The #1 Greatest Tool Known To Man", my list doesn't automatically make me a huge jackass when someone reads it 5 years from now. Look at me; You look me dead in the eyes, World: I'm fucking future proof!!

Another big difference you'll notice between my lists and everyone else's: NO BULLSHIT. I don't feel like I need to add any fluff to make my lists fit into a round number; Whatever is listed is there because it's awesome. Everything else can suck it. If you think I missed something that YOU happen to like then you're WRONG...

DEAL WITH IT!

...and with that, let's cut through all the bullshit and get to my lists that I'm going to be so kind as to provide to you:

13 Completely Awesome Things

1.   The Road Warrior (Mad Max 2) (MOVIE) The apocalypse couldn't be more appealing: A bunch of dudes fucking each other up with badass cars and killing cripples with fire just to get more fuel to drive to the next place where they can repeat those steps. If you haven't seen this movie -- actually, if you don't OWN this movie in one form or another -- then you need to go find the nearest gallon of gasoline and pour it down your throat, then smoke a nice fat cigar because you...are a fag (or a woman). Mad Max 2 is one of the greatest films of all time, but I guess I don't need to tell you that because if you're reading my website, you're probably a manly man anyways which means I can only assume you already own this movie. On a scale of Lord Humongous and Me, you're definitely somewhere in the middle.     2.   Dino Crisis 2 (VIDEO GAME) The first Dino Crisis sucked ass juice through a straw made out of horse dick foreskin, but they fixed all that bullshit in Dino Crisis 2. This game is such a drastic turnaround from the first one that they probably should have called it Dino Annihilation because this time it's all about shooting dinosaurs in the face! And best of all, you're rewarded with Extinction Points for killing the shit out of them. Velociraptor? BLAST! Allosaurus? BLAST!!! T-Rex? You know the drill. That'll teach you to be prehistoric, fuckers!!     3.   Type O Negative - October Rust (ALBUM) Probably the only time in history that Goth has ever been cool. Type O Negative got just about everything right with this album. I suggest you buy a couple of extra copies of this album so the next time you see some Goth fucker listening to some bullshit-ass Emo crap, you can pull this disc from your pocket and cram it into their chest. Be sure to steal their Ipod while you're at it so you can pawn it for more cash to buy extra copies of October Rust.     4.   Chainsaws (CHAINSAW !!) You knew this was coming eventually, right? I mean, what kind of list goes without mentioning how awesome chainsaws are? You have no excuse to NOT mention a chainsaw when making a list, because chainsaws are everywhere; they're in every form of media: Movies? Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Games? Everyone knows the coolest weapon in Doom is the Chainsaw. Music? Just CLICK HERE because you know what's coming... Need I say more??     5.   The "Toothbrush" Moustache (STYLE) Brought to the forefront by a man commonly referred to as Adolf Hitler, the Toothbrush 'stache has only been successfully worn by a handful of men in history, unfortunately, those men were some of the biggest assholes and douchebags known to mankind. Some of those include: Heinrich Himmler, Robert Mugabe, Charlie Chaplin, and Fred the Baker (that fucking Dunkin' Donuts guy). So, if this stache is only worn by assholes, then what makes it so awesome, you say? Frankly, that's why it's so awesome. I mean, it's about the only moustache that practically no one can get away with wearing without being shunned from society -- and it's pretty awesome that a moustache can wreak so much havoc by just simply existing on your face.     6.   Contra (GAME SERIES) The Contra series tells the story of shithead aliens invading your planet and how it's your job to fuck them into pieces with an epic arsenal of heavy weapons. What more could you ask for? Sure, the aliens keep coming back every couple of years whenever the next sequel comes out, but I fail the see the problem in being asked to blow the shit out of another species every couple of years. This game is the definition of my life: Everything is out to get me, so thank god I have my spread-shot gun and lasers handy...     7.   General Electric's XM214 Minigun (WEAPON) This is a perfect example of what the definition of awesome is. Old Painless was carried by Jesse Ventura (who is a total badass) in the movie Predator and was used to obliterate everything in its path, but it's not just fantasy, it's also a real life weapon that can obliterate everything in its path. This baby can fire at a rate of 10,000 rpm and can blast over 160 bullets per second!!! Holy fuck! Sure, there are newer guns out there that can perform better than this one, but none of them can do it while looking and sounding so freaking awesome.     8.   The Essential Cyndi Lauper (ALBUM) Yeah, I said it...fuck you. I dare you to argue with the fact that this album contains some of the best hits known to man. And before you start emailing me about how gay I am, you need to check yourself, because I've yet to meet a man who didn't know the words to "The Goonies 'R' Good Enough". Don't deny it...Ahhht--don't fucking do it! You know you get all teary-eyed when you hear "Time After Time". I know it, and YOU FUCKING KNOW IT!!     9.   Lumberjacks (JOB TITLE) Lumberjacks are more relevant today than they've ever been. Why? Because they could give a shit less about trees and the environment. Their job is to rape the hell out of Mother Nature for profit. It's like a really awesome gangbang but with more real wood involved as opposed to a bunch of dicks that no one wants to see. Lumberjacks chop down trees like I chop down the hopes and dreams of crybabies and hippies. Best of all, what are two of the lumberjack's favorite tools? The axe and the chainsaw!!   10.   The 1970-72 Corvette Stingray (CAR) This car is one of the most sexy machines known to man. There isn't a single car that has been produced in the past 15 years that is anywhere near as badass as this nearly 40 year-old orgasm-inducing machine. There isn't much else to say about it except before you lay your eyes on one, I suggest you slap on a pair of Depends adult diapers first, because you will likely shit yourself and spooge in your pants at the same time...it's just that awesome.   11.   The 1985 Lincoln Continental (TANK CAR) If you can't afford the 1970's Stingray above like the majority of the populace, then your next best choice could very well be the 1985 Lincoln Continental. This beast is like a working man's tank; minus the sweet cannon and tank treads. But who needs a cannon when you can legally barrel down the road in this motherfucker, easily plowing through everything else like it was butter? If you're on the road and you see one of these puppies flying down the road towards you, and you're not in a Lincoln yourself, you might as well open the door and bail because you WILL lose. I had one of these bastards in high school, and I was in about 4-5 accidents with this baby without so much as a scratch -- the other parties involved? Well, let's just say that their insurance companies will be paying out the ass for repairs...Lincoln: 5; Everything else: 0.   12.   Nintendo's Virtual Boy (THE FUTURE) This, my loyal readers, is....THE FUTURE! You're staring right in the face and it's staring right back at you with its red and black lightshow of awesomeness. I don't care who you are or what you've heard about the Virtual Boy, but if whatever you heard isn't positive, then what you heard is WRONG. Take your sorry ass to the nearest website selling these, buy two of them, and a copy of Virtual Boy Wario Land while you're at it...then get ready to have your cornea burned and shredded by concentrated wonderful. When you're finished, be sure to come back here and thank me. You're welcome.   13.   Total Recall (MOVIE) And last on my list today is one of many totally badass Schwarzenegger films, Total Recall. Sure, Conan the Barbarian may have been the easier choice to put on this list but I don't usually take the easy way out... and if you want to argue that this movie isn't just as awesome as Conan, then I have three words for you: Dead body shield. Yeah, did Conan do that shit? No! Did Conan have wacky three-tittied mutant whores and sexy midgets with machine guns?? That's what I thought.

2 Things NOT To Put In Your Mouth

1. Cucumbers!!!!       2. A dick

(See here) (I think you know why)